Why Emotionally Intelligent People Embrace the Power of ‘Awkward’ Thank-You Notes

If you feel uncomfortable–or not very good at–expressing gratitude, research shows you’re not alone. And that you shouldn’t be

Last year, a reader who suffers from migraine headaches, and had struggled with a hydromorphone addiction (her word) for more than 20 years, sent me a kind note. She read my article about using rules instead of willpower to change a behavior, and set her own rule: She would only take one Dilaudid instead of two when she woke up to start her day. In time, she adopted another rule, and later one more. 

After six months, her drug use was down 80 percent.

I’m not taking credit. Tips, perspectives, and guidance don’t change your life. What you do with that advice is what changes your life. The article might have offered a different approach to try … but she did the work.

So why do I mention it? 

Because many months later, I still have the note.  

The Lasting Power of Thank-You Notes

Extensive research shows gratitude is good for you. A study published in Emotion found that people who feel grateful for even the smallest things tend to be more patient and make better decisions. A study published in Personal Relationships found that feeling grateful toward your partner leads to heightened feelings of connection. 

Gratitude can also help you sleep better; a study published in Journal of Psychosomatic Research found that expressing gratitude improved participants’ sleep quality and duration. (Their advice? Count blessings, not sheep.)

So why don’t more people send thank-you notes? Because, as research shows, they:

… underestimate how surprised the recipient will be about why expressers are grateful, overestimate how awkward recipients will feel, and underestimate how positive recipients will feel. 

Or, in simpler terms, because we assume other people already know we’re grateful, we think telling them will only make them feel awkward.

And because we don’t think we can find the right words — in spite of the fact, as the researchers write:

(People) tend to evaluate their own interpersonal actions in terms of competence, whereas observers tend to interpret those same actions in terms of an actor’s warmth.

Expressers may therefore worry inordinately about how they are expressing gratitude — their ability to articulate the words “just right” — whereas recipients are focused more on the prosocial meaning (positive, helpful behaviors intended to promote social acceptance and friendship) of the expression — its warmth and positive intent.

Can’t find the perfect words? Doesn’t matter. As with any gift — like praise and recognition, gratitude is a gift — it’s the thought that counts. What you write is far less important than the fact you wrote it.

That’s why I’ve kept the reader’s note. It was well written, but I didn’t notice that until I re-read it today. The day I received it I was too busy reading, and feeling good about the fact someone took the time to express their gratitude, no matter how undeserved.

It made my day then.

And it still makes my day. 

People don’t care about the quality of your words. People care about the quality of your gratitude. The more grateful you are, the better the other person feels. Period.

Start writing more thank-you notes: to people you know, to people you don’t know, or to people you would like to know. (Few things spark a relationship better than recognition and gratitude.) 

If it helps, make it a rule: Decide you’ll send one thank-you note — handwritten if you like, but via email is just as good — a day. Better yet, decide you’ll send one thank-you note a day, at the start of your day. 

That will get your day off to the perfect start.

And get someone else’s day off to the perfect start too.

Can’t beat that.